31/3/11 , goodbye march ,
Last day of march .
Its April fools day tomorrow .
1st April , 4th month into 2011 .
4 more days to SACSSCB' s SYF - 5th april .
13 more days to POP - 13th april .
This post is one that is emotional in a way ?
Cause I'm going to type everything I feel , like seriously I will try , to put everything into words that won't hurt anybody who reads this , or thinks that I'm a idiot .
Cause I'm going to type everything I feel , like seriously I will try , to put everything into words that won't hurt anybody who reads this , or thinks that I'm a idiot .
I'm been really paranoid these days .
I feel like people hate me ,
I feel that people are angry at me .
I'm really serious .
I get so scared I don't dare to talk to those people .
I just stare and try to figure out if they meant it when they said they were not angry .
And like what I said in my twitter ,
I just feel that people thinks that I'm trying to seek attention , and I'm showing off too much , and then think that I suck .
Plus , I feel that people think that I'm too whiny - I'm trying to limit my tweets already .
I feel that I don't actually belong there , people don't want me there at all .
Yes a lot of 'I feel's used , cause I actually have that feeling .
After being so paranoid , next problem is being so whiny .
I complained a lot , to a lot of people .
I been really mean , I mean , this is talking behind someone's back .
Even though I really hate those people I talk about , I can't help coming home and feeling like , I have done wrong .
I tried to consider other's feelings , and put myself in their shoes .
Hear me whine right now for awile : I can't imagine myself as them .
Yeh so back to topic , I feel mean , like I said . But I can't help myself .
Why am I like this .
Next : Being such a freaking loner + loser .
Yes yes yes , I'm a loner . I'm all alone , forever alone .
I walk alone a lot these few days .
I actually liked it , but seeing how everyone is walking at least in pairs ,
I'm actually feeling stupid .
I have my best friends and my friends .
But good friends all have their best friends .
My best friends are , how to say this , not always forever there physically .
And .
After the days I cried .
I think people are avoiding me more and more ,
Isolating themselves away from me , yes .
I know I been such a crybaby ,
Like being with me is an . embarrassment .
I'm really sorry .
Yes why did I even cry .
I didn't have to ,
I'm annoying everyone ,
And I'm doing something that I said I didn't want to do before .
Sorry sorry sorry .
One person I really want to talk to is Amanda .
Hello Amanda ,
You said you were tired .
I guess you were , but I couldn't help thinking that you were angry at me too .
And , today you didn't talk to me .
I know that you're not obliged to talk to me , but I have at least talked to you each time I see you , Just not today .
Maybe you're getting sick of how I do stuff during band ?
I don't know , I really don't want you to hate me .
Yes I know I'm being so freaking contradicting here .
But I'm sincerely sorry , from the bottom of my heart ,
For whatever I done wrong , for whatever I did that made you angry .
And , don't mind telling me what you don't like about me ?
I don't want to continue doing it and make you angry every practice .
I love you Amanda .
P.S. I don't even know if you will read this , and I don't even know if you are actually angry , but this message is really how I feel inside .
I actually have suicidal thoughts .
But I'm a coward , I will not actually kill myself .
Cause I'm scared , like cowards .
I have no freaking sense of security in everywhere I go .
Goodbye March .
Love , Jazel .
▼ March 31, 2011 | Thursday, March 31, 2011 |