Hello, I'm Jazel. I'm on most social media platforms as @JazelTWY. I have had this space since 2008, and I see it as a outlet for my thoughts, when short status updates or instagram captions won't cut it. It's a public private space, of sorts. Comments?



I don't know how many posts I made that are of this matter where I feel bloody guilty.

It's all in my head.
I make myself sad.
It either starts when I see something that makes me unhappy and then my mood just gets ruined or I just suddenly become unhappy.

I guess the reason why I read angst stories are because I want to see someone suffer more than I do. And because I don't want it to be anyone in real life because that will make me feel like shit knowing that someone is actually going through that in real life right now, I want it to be a fictional character.

Is it sick?
I don't think I can handle myself feeling all so insignificant and start feeling guilty and all about brooding over things that don't even matter when every single time I read something of a horrible nature that happened to a person in the reality.

I don't want to feel that way because it just leaves this really constricted and tight feeling in my chest and all I want is to sit at a dark corner and stare blankly into space. That's the bad end.

It is something like running away, avoiding real problems of the world.
I know that there are millions, are even billions of people suffering in the world and they are having it worse than I do but I refuse to think about it because I will feel guilt.
I enter an alternate reality of the books or fan fictions I read and then whatever happens to the characters stays there.

Happy novels/fan fictions makes me wish that it happens in real life and makes me wish and wish and wish while knowing that it will never come true because those people don't exist.

Sad novels/fan fictions makes me feel all tight and constricted inside and somehow it makes me feel. good instead of wanting to just sit in the dark corner. That's the good end.
And then everything I read stays in that universe and that's that.

I desperately search for angst stories, that will make me feel that tight and constricted feeling that is on the good end.

I commented on something recently and the person replied with this:,
We enjoy reading angst because we are masochistic fools. We all walk into the angst with eyes wide open. 

That means I enjoy suffering, doesn't it?
It's almost like I'm finding a different kind of pain.
People cut, I read.

I always feel guilty and shit over things even when in the end it is not my fault.
And then I source out for angst things to read so it will be a distraction and I feel more sad but it will be because of the story than what I was upset over in the first place.

Last night I saw a tweet,
"Tell me what do you do when it all falls apart?"
The first thought I had was to sleep, sleep so you can escape from reality for a few hours.

And then I delved into that thought further.
That would mean I will be running away from my problems.
Like what everybody says, running away won't solve your problems.
And yeah I know that.
So I thought, would I be running away from my problems, or facing them head on?




Look at where I screwed up. May 2008June 2008July 2008August 2008September 2008October 2008November 2008December 2008January 2009February 2009March 2009April 2009May 2009June 2009July 2009August 2009September 2009October 2009November 2009December 2009January 2010February 2010March 2010April 2010May 2010July 2010August 2010September 2010October 2010November 2010December 2010January 2011March 2011April 2011June 2011July 2011August 2011October 2011November 2011December 2011January 2012February 2012April 2012May 2012June 2012July 2012August 2012September 2012October 2012November 2012December 2012January 2013February 2013March 2013April 2013May 2013June 2013July 2013August 2013September 2013October 2013November 2013December 2013January 2014February 2014March 2014April 2014May 2014June 2014July 2014August 2014September 2014October 2014November 2014January 2015February 2015April 2015May 2015June 2015July 2015August 2015September 2015October 2015November 2015December 2015January 2016February 2016April 2016May 2016July 2016August 2016November 2016March 2017April 2017September 2017October 2017November 2017December 2017May 2018November 2018December 2018April 2019June 2019March 2020July 2020November 2020January 2021June 2024 Layout by ▲ ADITHI.